As you sleep in the darkness, could you feel your chest heavier than the it was during the day?

Because that is how I feel. I wonder laying here how my thoughts are filled with thoughts of people who choose not to be in my life or choose to not fight for me.

And I cry because no one begs for me. Like I’m begging the skies. No one begs to see me in their dreams holding my arms out to them. No one cries with broken hearts and heavy chests and tear stained eyes screaming silently in the darkness. Not for me.

There is no one who prays for me. Who says my name as they sleep hoping that at least in their dreams I exist with them. No one wishes for me. Or dreams for me. Or hopes for someone like me. I’m not the name that comes to their lips when they see a chance for a wish.

And it makes me cry. Knowing the truth of this fact. That I’m not wanted. That I’m just a paragraph. A sentence in people’s lives. And I wished to devote chapters to others when I was just a footnote.

My heart is broken. But I never break hearts. I cry in darkness. No one cries for me.

I want me. I love me. But no one else does. And it breaks my heart over and over again.


7 Things You Must Give Up to Move On

Self-care is not about face masks or spa treatments. or posting new nails on your Instagram and seeing more than 11 likes when you are really dying inside.

It is not about pretending to post happy subjects or moments when you are finally out the house to Facebook when inside you are still thinking about painful sore subjects in your heart.

writing publishing GIF

Self-care is actual growth. It is admitting to your followers that they are not going to get photos of happiness but growth. It is admitting to your content that the time break involved giving up a few things and planting new ideas.

  1. Stop feeling ashamed of past failures

    Whenever you feel the embarrassment or pain related to an issue, you have to get over the idea that you have to overcome this pain. That is bullshit. Overcoming pain is the end goal and the prettiest way to tell followers how strong you are. But strength comes from actually tackling that shame you feel.  ENDURE it. Why do you still feel embarrassed by your mistakes? Did you take responsibility for your actions? Then why do you continue to pity yourself for that pain? Are you making changes in your life to be better? Then relive those moments with your better self and make better choices when replaying those painful memories. If they don’t answer to the better self you have become, then you know you have changed as you don’t know how in reality they would react. But I believe if you can replay these moments and the subject’s reply in a kind way, you are looking for reassurance. And that is also okay. people hurt us, and sometimes we try to be better for people who don’t care about changing for us. We then want to seek them out to show them how much we have done. But that doesn’t benefit your growth in the long term.

  2. Don’t make excuses instead of real-time decisions

    A lot of people fail in the long term because of excuses they make. A lot of relationships fail because of these excuses. This does not relate to your career only. Understand when you make excuses for other people and not take any action, the relationship would fail.

  3. People’s opinions of you do not matter and you need to start believing this sooner rather than later

    Sometimes we forget this. I do. We forget this so many times in our lives. When we make mistakes, we may care when we want people to notice we have changed. However, people notice without you trying. You have to do what is best for you. Even if it is walking away from hard situations. You have to choose yourself. Your point of view matters more than anyone else. How you take care of yourself matters more. Take care of yourself when you are sad and then tell your loved one and your friends. Take care of yourself with healthy methods and then tell your friends as a summary rather than expecting them to fix the situation. If they wish to add or tell you their input or fix, they are adding to what you have already done.

  4. Are you running from problems?

    Stop running. If you feel it is too hurtful to deal with, you are running. Cry to ease the hurt. There is nothing wrong with crying. Laughter eases pain and so does crying. Find ways to ease the pain and then tackle the wound. Face the issues that bother. Was it a failure? Was it feeling worthless? Answer those questions in a creative way and find solutions. When you feel hurt, what must you do? When you feel worthless, what method helps you to achieve that makes you see your worth? If you feel like a failure, remind yourself that learning from mistakes erases that failure.

  5. Stop sitting empty-handed

    Keeping your mind empty is a foolproof way to feel nothing. Doing nothing about the situation is still like doing something negative. Feeling numb or not fixing the situation and letting yourself just do nothing, doesn’t work

  6. No appreciation about life.

    You are not a failure. Stop letting yourself do that. You won’t do that to your own friends. There are so many things about you that are special and wonderful and you cannot depend on someone else for your life’s decision. Even if that includes how you feel about yourself. Appreciate what you have and try to make it excellent. Understand that you can make the next day however you want it to be. If you want to be a traveler, you actually can sell everything and go on trips. Stop thinking that you cannot be what you see on Instagram or what you think he or she likes. Stop appreciating other bodies and souls when you have something amazing in front of you. People can change. So can you. You can change your predicament. You can be what you see on that Instagram feeds or be something entirely new. Appreciate what you have first.

  7. Stop procrastinating your life goals

    When problems come into your life, it is so easy to forget to deal with them. You think so quickly about what you need to achieve but then you realize you aren’t actually going after your dreams either. If you’re a writer, then why aren’t you writing? That’s when the self-pity cycle starts again. I’m hurting so I cannot write. Why am I hurting when I should be moving on? Why are you complaining when you have so much to do? Why are you a writer if you don’t write? This shit is crap because you haven’t dealt with the hurt. I’m hurting, leave me alone. All that noise does is stop you. It is telling you right there to stop avoiding that wound. Cry about it if you want to. Cry and say fuck you to everyone or everything if that is what you need or feel. Deal with the hurt. Process it through creative outlets. Because you really have two choices: acceptance or change the situation.

I have found through my writing that painful subjects are hard to tear through. Writing them down meant to actually deal with hurt. It felt like complaining to me. But I realized that you have a choice to listen to me. And that expressing my emotional need shouldn’t feel like cumbersome to me because I am thinking about what people think.

I tell my therapist sorry for crying. I tell people sorry for sharing my life and my pain when they ask and are there for me. I overly show gratitude to those who are being friends because I am actually surprised that they want to hear my pain.

It is an internalizing method that I have not gotten over because I keep attracting externalizing people who use me for emotional reasons.

I’ve realized a lot over the past few months and I realized that there is no reason to blame anyone. Just put your head down and do your work.

It sucks really when no one notices the work. When other people seem like they have everything together but truthfully, they also have thier issues.

It sucks when their followers praise them but you get nothing from it.

I kept feeling horrible for mistakes I’ve made. And then choosing emotionally unavailable people. Or feeling bad about my depression when I shared it.

“No one wants to hear about depression.”

However, the truth is when people care, they show it. When people want you in their life, they work hard to make sure you are there. And when they want to know your grievances, they actually ask questions and not avoid your eye.

I’ve learned in 2017 to stop trying for people who obviously do not want to try for you. When your instincts are telling you that you are doing most of the work, as usual, leave. Walk away. There is no more point when they would only tell you what is wrong with you anyway instead of truly assessing how you have been inconvenienced.

2017: Trying too hard for people.

2018 is a new year but it is not the end of everything you feel. See it as a continued growing year where there is no fresh cleanse but just you hustling up a hill and knowing that there may be hills after this one.

Self-care and growth is a lifetime process and I plan to be better every time. I want to try harder and I know when the new year comes, a new Meghan is not what I should expect but instead, I see myself as a learning experience. Not to hate myself for my mistakes, or not pay attention to open wounds but actively work towards success.

2018 won’t solve your problems. Saying goodbye to 2017 won’t erase them. You can only learn from your mistakes if you want to achieve success.

And that word, success. That is defined by you and only you.

Oprah Winfrey Success GIF

I am trying to fall in love with myself again.

I hated my last year abroad. Until I realized I had to fall in love again. With myself.

I have decided to live in Africa and I regretted that decision immediately. Mostly because how unprepared you can be in this state. After my service, I was incredibly lucky.

Carlos in Bus

I got a job immediately. With incredible pay and experience. I had no interest in returning back to America. I just watched the wrong person become President and it only cemented my dreams of living aboard. I have incredible international friends that would last over distances compared to friends in the US who became preoccupied with life.

I wasn’t angry at them. Africa didn’t excite them and WiFi/Netflix filled their lives. I was nothing but cool for the moment. A likable Facebook post that you pass on your feed.

I didn’t mind. I wanted to live in a foreign country. I wanted my children to have citizenship in an another country. I wanted to find someone who enjoyed the life I had made for myself. To meet me in my path and join their path with mine. I was living my dream.

I learned many things in my last year here. I forgot the village and my dog so easily. I wanted to continue work in nonprofit and public service work. I still wanted to write and produce novels that spoke of the era I lived in. I was on my way.

I learned that many things you plan for, don’t happen. I think of this of my senior year. I did not accomplish much. But it was okay I didn’t because I knew that this was leading towards my future. I wanted to continue living and doing whatever I wanted. How many times do I have to repeat that I was independent?

How many times do I have to tell myself that this last year was worth it? I will remake the money I have lost. I will grow in a person continuously.

Traveling alone is the most frightening part of this journey. Figuring everything out with your own American perspective without anyone else to talk to is frightening. Incredibly frightening. I am scared every day. I am so scared when RPCV’s judge my choices. Current PCVs are so proud of me. But they don’t understand this struggle. So much of the international world cannot be experienced without money. And outside of Peace Corps, you have to work a nine to five job with less than two weeks of personal days for vacation. Life sucks after Peace Corps.


It sucked for a year. Loneliness was the largest burden. I had to constantly remind myself that I was okay. I am okay. You are okay. I will be okay. But I wasn’t.

I became sad. Depression kicked in quickly. Management at my new place sucked out any creative and happy energy. I didn’t care anymore. I wanted to write again but I lost my voice.

I became a survivor. Survive this last year. Survive this last year. Run back to you mother and let her keep you in her strong arms and regroup. Regroup then. Regroup then. Survive. Survive. Survive with a smile.

I lost friends again. It was frightening again. It is the universe, I kept thinking, saying I deserved loneliness. Friends walked in and out. I still survived. I lived in an incredible place and wanted nothing. I had food and a roof. I was warm. I was comfortable.

But I was only surviving. Depression was my nighttime, unhappiness was my morning ritual, and loneliness was my daily friend.

I couldn’t cry anymore and I couldn’t express my feelings. The writing was lost to me. It was the hardest heartbreak to ever happen in my life. I lost the love of my life.

Now you may be wondering why I am writing now. I had to fall back in love with the most important and incredible thing to happen to me. When I learned to write and write passionately, I also dreamed. Dreamed in scenes. Epics and tragedies occurred all in one night. In great detail, I would remember everything and would inspire me to write more. My dreams were filled with worlds and my hands were desperate. Desperate to write words and type them. Otherwise, my mind would explode with voices unheard.

I fell back in love. I am still depressed, trust me. That shit doesn’t go away. But I had to fall to rock bottom. The first thing I lost was trust. I no longer trust anyone. Emotions were investments and I no longer gave it away for free. I cannot call myself a giver when I expected a return. I thought daily that I deserved trust and love. I realized I may be alone forever. I had to be okay with that.

I am still not okay with it.

I had to fall to the bottom and rise back again.

A phoenix. Except there was no Dumbledore waking me up from the fragile ugly chick I am. I was burning first.

I am still slowly fall in love. I do not know this beautiful thing anymore. She has changed. So have I. But I know she is magical. And I want to deserve her again. To write is my life.

But I am still trying to survive and not live. It will take time before I am back. Or maybe fully understand who I am now. Who she is now.




Her life changed when she learned the monsters were protecting her.

Her life changed.

She breathed fire and scales grew on her back.

Where the tail waved, it extended further,

breaking off into talons, and the skin flared.

Burning as spindles pushed through delicate skin

Holes formed where skin burned into leather

Talons ripped through the nails and bled down her skin

It itched at her as it dripped down her face.

She struck out her tongue, deviled with raw red blood

but when she tasted her own, she spit out

seeing a distant spirit

yet the itching flaked as dandruff on her back

As she shook, her skin fell

she looked to her hands who are now paws

and to the wall around her,

others standing in their scales

her life changed

when she learned the monsters were protecting her.