I wanted to write about how badly broken trust works for me. I don’t trust easy. I don’t even break that principle. I’m adventurous, fun, and free.
Please excuse this bad writing. I haven’t written anything in so long because this blockage I felt in all my creativity.
But when I let someone in…They don’t understand the mess it makes in my mind when it breaks.
I woke up today with a nightmare. I saw this person breaking my trust running behind my back to get with a girl. I saw them in corners and then I found them together in a tent.
The story isn’t relevant. To be honest, I had horrible people who ditched me when things got tough and I see them ditching me sometimes when these moments return. The story of the nightmare is not the focus. I just see the distrust, the pain, and the insecurities flare up.When depression hits, a lot of friends bailed. So now I never tell people that I am going through things and deal with it myself. When anxiety breaks using my insecurities, I deal with it on my own and pace around.
People don’t care to look up anxiety signs in partners or wonder when I’m pacing. Or if they do recognize it, I wonder for the day they get tired of it.
It’s because people before them have broken that trust. This fucking nightmare woke me up to this realization that my pain is still in the forefront. I could see being hurt over and over and people choosing their selfishness over my feelings.
I saw her saying she was my friend and still using me. I saw him telling her, chasing her… And I saw it play it again and again.
And my anxiety fed on that moment: if she returned, he would do the same thing.
Nightmares are not common for me. I have such deeply vivid dreams. Writing is this fluid landscape for me and nightmares are worse. I woke up feeling everything, seeing every image as clear as day, remembering it as perfectly, and for the rest of the day, my anxiety plays it over and over.
No one gets that pain. No one gets that my mind is my worst enemy.
At first, I wanted to be angry. Now, I just want to stem the flow of anxious thoughts that are coming from recent events.
I don’t feel like I am enough. I feel like I will always be chosen over. I’m not pretty enough. Why wouldn’t I be worth chasing after?
I hope to one day understand my anxiety well enough to write about it in my daily life and how to overcome it. But until then, nightmares are there. To remind me over and over why trusting people is useless. Why I only have myself to protect.
There are rising numbers of students facing mental health issues in Chicago. There aren’t enough mental health providers to even cope with that number. Children come from histories of standardized testing into futures maybe filled with even worry and we can’t even look after them to prevent so much of triggers. It worries me how we forget how valuable these services are and how many children grow up into adults feeling inadequate and lost.
Mental health is critical and I know that it will always be part of my life. I’ve always made my own healing steps and did them alone. I could only hope that there would be some one who’d actually look out for me and my signs. However, I don’t trust it when I see it. I just wait for the day when they are tired of my crap.
Seeing children go through this issue without any answer feels quite like abandonment to me. Children forgotten and forced to grow up without support from the community.
Mental health providers give something to children and here in Chicago, I hope they understand their value. Children grow up being told their thoughts are imaginary in many households. And sometimes their imaginary thoughts are realistic. Even then, adults tell them to just stop thinking those thoughts. But those people who care to listen. Those people who value those words. They say to those children that they can be listened to.
Without this fundamental service, these children grew up believing that no one cares about these symptoms anyway.
I’ve posted a couple of useful things and a BuzzFeed article that I send to folks who want to try and understand this. If you or a loved one suffer, please use these resources.
Without these issues, I always wonder how much more fun I’d be. How even though I love going out, going on adventures, and doing crazy things, how much easier everything would be if I wasn’t thinking too much.
I woke up from a nightmare this morning and I have to smother emotions because I got no one who understands this process. I have to stand in this horrible feeling and I have no one taking care of me. I wanted to let go of so many painful moments but my anxiety doesn’t let go of this. It returns to my dreams. I can only write about it and trust me, this shit is going to be hard on me since I wrote about this on a public platform. And I can’t do anything but smile throughout my day and say,
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